legacy.

near the end of last week and the past weekend was a tough one...but I'm glad it's over for now.

I realised, I don't think I can live without going to church, or at least having some kind of input of spiritual teaching.

and I don't think long term I can live without God. hmm.

I have realised too, that I think I know why I'm doing what I do.

after all this time, you would've thought I KNEW. but obviously I didn't. I thought I did, but when I thought more about it, what I thought that I thought about why just didn't make sense somehow.

my thinking was challenged, and it disrupted my whole life. well, for those few days anyway.

and I realised I'm not that good at hiding my emotions. not when it's affecting every aspect of my being. the pretenses actually carry me through for a while, but when I'm around a "safer" environment I just...break down. which is a good thing, and a bad thing. good in that I'm not bottling up everything inside, bad in that I feel vulnerable when I open up. oh well.

not that anyone in particular could help, but they tried...

I prayed for God to send me someone whom I could just feel comfortable with, and who has been through what I was going through, so that I could have a mentor to look up to, learn from whoever that was, have some support so I won't give up, ie. a Christian medical student mentor.

that didn't happen.

but He did send someone else today. a new trainee intern on my team. and she's keen on teaching me, going through examinations with me, signing me off for my green book. and she's going to be around for the rest of my run. so what if she's not a Christian, I guess God knew what it was that I really needed, not what I wanted.

THANK YOU GOD.

it's not that my registrar or house surgeon aren't good. they are, but just that they have more responsibilities, and so far haven't been doing any teachings. my reg has his exam in 3 weeks' time, so he's quite busy. the rmo has been busy with paperwork. or maybe it's just that I haven't asked them specifically for any guidance...

but anyway.

I really hope things will get better from now on. I finished my first long case, will hand it in tmr to my consultant, who is actually quite nice although I haven't exactly heard amazing reports from the pple who've worked with him. the TI and reg have both looked over it today and commented I was doing well for a 4th year...

I guess I just need a bit of encouragement, a bit of confidence.

as for why I'm doing what I'm doing...

it's to leave a legacy.

when you die, what do you want your eulogy to say?

I'm not doing this just for me. I want to be an influence to pple around. be it patients, fellow medical students, all the other health professionals, or just anybody I meet. even my family. I can't be selfish to think there's only one person in this equation, becos it isn't a single factor. it's a factorial. lots of possiblities with what I have been given. and I don't want to waste it.

I shall press on.

with renewed confidence.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear,
but of POWER, and of LOVE and of a SOUND MIND."
-2 Timothy 1:7

and now the question is...

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