confidence issues...

once again I am struggling...~!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!~
I feel so annoyed at myself.


WHY CAN'T I JUST BE CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO RING THE REGISTRAR TO GET A PATIENT FOR MY LONG CASE?!? IT'S NOT THAT HARD! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???


and when I finally gathered enough "courage" to do so (after 90 agonising minutes, 60 of which I ended up spending TAKING A NAP cos I was so tired and while pondering what to do), I rung the registrar and got the names of 3 patients.

phew, I thought, it wasn't that bad after all!

and I walked to the ward where they were in.

it ends up that I had only 1 of the patients' full name, couldn't find the other patients' notes so with their first names I didn't know who they were and couldn't go talk to them.

and then came the disappointing part.


I just couldn't muster up enough COURAGE to go talk to the patient.
walked to and fro for 20mins (I think), trying not to look lost.
kept trying to peer in, lingered outside the room.
and when I finally managed to look in, she was asleep.
so I gave up.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?


here I am in the computer lab.
hiding away cos it's the most comfortable thing for me to do.
setting myself up for more STRESS cos I need to present my long case this coming Fri to my consultant-mentor.

I failed today as a medical student.
it's just a simple thing of seeing a patient.
I'm just...sigh.


such a stark contrast to this morning. I was of so much help to my consultant by coming in for a weekend ward round when I didn't have to, and making life so much easier for the consultant. my head's big from all the praises he's been giving, telling others that I'm of so much help. it was rewarding, but it doesn't do me any good. ugh.

THIS IS SO WHAT I NEED...

depressing.
sigh.