precious.

Psalm 139 (The Message)

1-6 God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.
I'm an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can't take it all in!

7-12 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I go underground, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings
to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute—
you're already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.

13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

17-22 Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!
I couldn't even begin to count them—
any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!
And you murderers—out of here!—
all the men and women who belittle you, God,
infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
See how I hate those who hate you, God,
see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
Your enemies are my enemies!

23-24 Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.

---

hmm. this weekend something has been broken. I believe it has.

I still think about you.
so what, that's normal.
But I'm not going to let you run my life.
I'm not going to plan everything around you.
it's enough.
I can stand on my own.
I don't need you to complete me.
I won't even try to keep in touch with you.
no more.

it was a mistake.
but He's forgiven me.
and I forgive you.

looking to the horizon.

trust God to use such a circumstance to draw me back to Him. it's not the first time. but I need to humble myself to know that I really can't live life on my own. I am pathetic running my own life. well, I can survive, but I'm just led down the wrong pathway, the wide and easy one...yet there's a part of me which felt so guilty after that, I just couldn't do it on my own anymore. I just can't. my only hope is that I don't stray away again. right now it's hard even to walk alongside Him, because I've been away for so long. but I'm going to give it another go. I want to go far with Him, and for Him. I've been feeling like so far since I've been in Christchurch that I'm more of a trouble than a blessing. it's been almost 6 weeks now. I'm...not satisfied with the way I am. I know when I say that it's going to be a long and tough journey ahead, but...I will hang in there. for now.

and oh, I just decided that I won't be going for Easter camp at En Hakkore. for various reasons. guess I'll catch up with the Dunedin pple some other time when I do go down...

hmm. I'm drawn to hurting pple. maybe that's why I end up getting hurt myself. I wonder if there's any strategy to help someone who's hurting without getting too involved and preventing myself from getting 'injured' emotionally? probably not. to help is to get involved, isn't it? it's just that I can't stand there and watch...it's too painful in itself. so how now brown cow???

I should get back to writing up my case study. I'm so distracted.

please pray for me that I won't struggle through this week ahead so much emotionally. I'm doing well with my studies and clinicals (I passed my first Neuro OSCE on Fri yay) but the person myself isn't doing so great. need a bit of support and protection. thanks.

okay. the weekend's almost over. back to work.

and I'll keep praying for you too. that God will be real to you, if you want Him to.