ideals.

when it's the holidays, the mind is free to wander and think about thoughts reserved for times when one has more time to relax...

I wonder what it's like to be in a relationship.

like a real one, not one conjured up in the mind.
where feelings are reciprocated, not a one-sided affair.
where time is spent together, not dreamt about.

when you can only imagine the rest of your life with the other, and you can't imagine how life was like before you got together.
when you know that at the end of the day, no matter what happens, you'll still have the other person by your side.
when you devote your time to the other, and know that the other is also devoted to spending time with you.

guess I can only wonder for now.

the ideal guy I have in mind is "ideal"...the "criteria" that he has to meet, well, it's the things that most girls want in their ideal guy I guess. so I suppose that means that the particular guy is "attractive" to most girls, that he's what every girl wants, and it's really the matter of WHO gets him. becomes almost like a competition? hmm...

looking back on my life, maybe I had that chance to find/be with that "ideal guy" I had in mind. but I blew it. messed it up. and yah, guess even though some people might still think he's the one who meets my "requirements", I don't think he would choose this path again. pessimistic I know, but like I said, it feels like a "competition", and I got disqualified in that particular race...oh well. there are still other "competitors" who will eventually reach the finish line and one will get the first place...

as for me, guess now that I was disqualified, all I can do is to work on making myself a more "ideal" girl for the the one who will get the first place in my race...