strike two...

not again. why does this keep happening? why am I so easily upset these few days? what am I doing wrong? or is it becos everything I do, I base it on my feelings? I just don't understand how I can get to this stage where even the slightest thing like not seeing you pulls the trigger for the tears, the frustration, the overwhelming sense of helplessness...

maybe at this point in time I'm just not ready for this. I won't be able to handle the responsibility for others' lives, much less my own. I know I have the potential, but I guess maybe now's not the time. yes, this is a really good opportunity...let's just miss this one? I don't have the sense of peace I need to feel comfortable with the idea...sorry. should I even be apologising?

and how is it that I don't seem to be able to pick up when other pple are feeling down? maybe I just don't take the effort to get to know them better. all I do is ask them about their day. is that enough? I should stop blaming myself for everything. it's no one's fault, right? it takes two hands to clap. anyway I can't be a friend to anyone and everyone, that's just not possible. yet in saying that I don't even think I AM a good enough friend to one. ok, enough. it's nobody's fault.

when I say I'm concerned, is it becos I care? or more like I'm trying to interfere? what is my motive for doing what I'm doing? all I know is that I can't get too close like I did before trying to help, cos that ended up causing more harm than good. do you even know how much I wanted to help? maybe I don't exactly know how you're feeling, guess you could say many pple know what you're talking about, it's 'universal' this feeling. so what makes me different then? nothing.

why am I even writing this? just leave me be.

"God sees your heart"
will that be enough to encourage me?



...strike three and I'm out?



as an afterthought...

the walk home in the rain;
the tears when I got home;
the talk before dinner;
the laughs after that;
the walk in the cold just;

I think it did me some good.