weekend's over.

I very smartly decided to take a 4 hour nap this afternoon. and I wonder why I'm still awake at this hour? well done...

met up with a couple of Dunedin friends for breakfast this morning. chatted a bit over our meal before heading to church. honestly, I'd say that things are different...somehow I don't feel the connection anymore. "how are you?", people ask me. I've noticed I don't like to talk about myself especially when asked that.

it's probably because I don't dare to trust anybody. when you see me in person I won't talk about my personal life much. I don't like to. I'm sorry for being so aloof all the time. I just don't feel comfortable. it's going to take me a long time to be open again, if ever. I'm sorry.

the one thing that made me think back to how it was like previously was what someone said about how I actually made an impact there. she talked about how they're still having the HSFY prayer meetings before their exams, and she mentioned how I was the one who said they should continue that for the upcoming batches of students. hmm...I don't specifically recall that...

analysing my life back then, I was more involved with people. I knew that when I was in HSFY I didn't have much support, so I wanted the next lot of students to have that. there weren't many HSFY students in Elim my year (and I didn't know them that well then), only after that were there more. I used to attend those prayer meetings as a "senior" student, being ahead of them in my studies. guess I wanted to and enjoyed helping the 1st year students. got more involved in other stuff too.

those were good times. even in church, it was a community there. spritual family. to be honest, somehow I just don't seem to get the same feeling here. and I can't say I haven't tried, I have, and I've given up trying long ago.

but...life goes on. people move on. changed cities, changed friends, changed myself. now I'm just floating along not being of much use/help if I were looking at myself from the outside. how much impact will I be on people here? what will they say about me when I leave? one wonders...

because things can never be the same. never.